Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
