someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
