all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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