He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
