How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
