im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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