Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
