I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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