I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
