if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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