it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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