if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
