I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
