Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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