Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm sobbing to NWA
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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