Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
