I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
