very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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