you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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