you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
