turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
