I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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