i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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