im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
