he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
