dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
