we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
