you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
