I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
