It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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