escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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