I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I didn't notice because vodka
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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