it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think my moral compass just broke
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
