The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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