I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
