i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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