she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
