I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
