Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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