the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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