just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
