allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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