I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
