I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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