she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I believe in your delicious
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
