i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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