any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
