No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
