bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
