i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
